What if...

What if things work with dr soc? Really work, like happily ever after work? Awesome right? He does and says all the right things. He makes me laugh. We're both falling in love with each other (Oh lets just admit that I am, I just haven't said anything yet for fear of not hearing it back), we have the same mindset on a lot of things, and it's like we have the same future picture painted in our heads. Sometimes I wonder holy crap, could this be any more aligned?

However, he isn't in his dream job (to say the least), and he wants to be in in a different field. Which I support because I see how frustrated he is currently and it sucks. And I want him to be happy and content with his position. So he's looking around like everyone else in the country is looking. (I'm poking around for full time positions as well because school won't last forever and I need some sort of income.) But his new position wherever and whenever it ends up being is going to relocate him.

So where do I stand in that? Do I even get one and if so when? Even though we're a couple, we're not a joined entity. He knows he could do a switch nowish because he doesn't have the family obligation or solid ties to Lexington. But I do. I'm not saying I'll never leave here, but I'm also not ready to think about the possibility of leaving either.

There are so many "what ifs" right now. I know I should be having this conversation with him and not the blogosphere. But it's too soon for that. Where's he going to go? Am I a factor in this choice? What if he asks me to go with him? Can I move again for another guy? What if he doesn't ask me? How bad would that heartache be? So many what ifs. Breaking my engagement completely changed my outlook on things. All things. And I can't help but wonder about that "if" and how big an impact things will or will not have.

I have the possibility of my dreams coming true. I've also got the possibility of getting my heart broken again. I can't rush either, no mater the outcome. (though if it's the latter, I would like it to happen sooner rather than later in order to heal sooner) But patience has never been my strong suit, so I start wondering what if and every possible situation to go along with it. And there's really not enough room in my head all of this.

Happy Anniv...oh wait.

Here's where I was last year:

Virgina Beach sunbathing, trying not to think about my non-wedding day
(naps and wine helped)

I was remarkably serene that day, considering how disappointed I was. But I saw the silver lining and at some point tweeted this: "nap on the beach. WAY better then getting married to the wrong guy."
(However, the next day I broke down because I think I was trying so hard to be remarkably serene the day before.)

This year I'm way better. It has crossed my mind a few times, but it's more along the lines of a wisp of a thought then an all depression. Plus this year I have a boyfriend which removes the sting of at the time were shattered dreams.

So happy anniversary to me. Happy anniversary of not making the biggest mistake of my life. Happy anniversary to being smart enough to know I didn't want to be a divorce statistic. Happy anniversary to me for being strong!

Stages

There are apparently 5 to 7 different stages of dating, depending on which google search link you choose. But I happen to know of only a few different stages, because I have reached these w/dr soc:

1. The airport stage: yep, he was going to pick me up from the airport when I got back from Napa. Except that my connecting flight was late and I missed my flight home by 20 minutes, so I ended up catching the first flight out the next morning and my mom picked me up from that plane ride foiling our first airport pick up stage. Airport stage: check!
2. The holiday stage: we had a Sunday night date and it happened to be Easter evening. When he said it was an Easter date I said "hey look at that, we're already spending the holiday's together!" And we'll be spending the 4th of July together as well, which the best holiday ever. So holidays, check!
3. The meeting friend/family stage: he has met my sister and few of my closest friends all who approve. I've met some of his friends/coworkers (no idea if they approve of me but maybe those things don't mater to him). And oh yeah, we've met each other's parents. (remember my big girl pants search 2 weeks ago?) I'm meeting more of his family in another month at a family wedding. Meeting friends and family stage: check-ish!
4. And the appliance stage: while an indicator of how solid the relationship is, I do not approve of the appliance/practical gift stage until the 2nd gift giving opportunity after 2 full years of marriage. There was talk of getting me a collapsible crate for Bailey for my birthday, but I sorta already bought that and keep it at his place.... So we'll see when July rolls around what gift he presents (it better not be heart shaped jewelry either. I'm not 15). Appliance stage: no check (yet/maybe/we'll see).

Word Association

Me: Apparently there's nothing quite like herpes on a car.
Dr Soc: What?
Me: Oh. Wait. I mean glitter on a car. Yeah, nothing like glitter on a car. It messes up the paint pretty bad apparently.
Dr Soc: So how did that become herpes?
Me: Glitter is the herpes of crafts. So I made the connection in my head but the connection didn't make it out from there. So hence: herpes on a car.
Dr Soc: Oh well that makes sense. But you might not want to forget that part when you say that out loud, or you're going to have this conversation again.
Me: True. But I bet there nothing quite like herpes on a car either.

I Don't Exist

When my sister and I were both engaged, neither of us lived with our parents. But we had both come home for Christmas, and my sister didn't have a house key anymore. I asked her why not, and she told me she gave it up, "because I don't live there anymore." I responded, "So? I don't live there either and I still have my key."

Good thing I did too, because 7 months later it made oozing my stuff home during the break up much easier. And now I have no intention of leaving my parent's house becasue life here rocks. (seriously, not leaving (well, unless there is an engagement ring that is).) My stuff's all over the place and the dog pretty much rules the house, so it's fairly obvious that I live there. But when you look at the family photos on the mantle, it's my sister's graduation and wedding pictures in the frames.

The uc pics had my ex in them, so those had to come down (note to self: this degree don't take pictures with the SO. I mean, I'm not walking so there probably won't be any pictures anyway, but still, note to self). And well, the latter mentioned pictures are self explanatory as to why I don't have those either.

I'm in the family wedding picture, but it's not my picture. And there's another family photo with all four of us in it, sort of propped up. But I look like crap in it, so I don't even want it up there. Which explains why I don't want pictures of me running either, I look a fright in those. But even though we're a family of four, it kinda looks like there's only one kid.

At least one kid who did something. I'm just the other daughter. I'm the one without any bragging rights.

The Widom of Age

At 17, I knew my boyfriend wasn't forever.

Pretty mature for a 17 year old if I do say so for myself. I knew college was my chance to leave Lexington and come hell or high water, I was going and I wasn't staying in town for anyone. Not even a boyfriend. (Eventually I came home and I'm happy about that. But I had to choose to live here as an adult for it to be the best decision for me.)

However, a few months later when I was 18 and had a new boyfriend in college, clearly, that was totally forever. Cause you know, I had the wisdom of age on my side.

Snort.

Lets just say that didn't work out either.